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hugs & healing & heart capacity

Over the past few weeks I’ve really come to cherish the warm embraces of people who love me. In other words, my friends give great hugs. Some of them were comfort hugs-like the kind where you can cry on their shoulder and stain their shirt with your pain. Some of them were “wow, it’s SO GREAT to see you!” hugs from long and far away friends. Still others were hugs that gave me strength. Strength to keep going. Strength to make decisions that are scary. Strength to not be afraid of what ‘might’ happen in the future. My friend Trish gave me one of those the other day. She just kept saying over and over, “You ARE strong. You ARE strong.” It was very reinforcing to hear that.

During this time I’ve had moments where I think I actually felt my heart break. It wasn’t all of the sudden. Actually it was eerily slow–and it hurt. It was as if some one took a straw and sucked the life out of me. Slowly. It took a while for me to even notice it was happening, but after a while I had the distinct realization that I was broken. Physically it felt like I was suffocating and no matter how deep I tried to breathe in, to find life, to find hope I couldn’t get enough air.

Several people in my inner circle have asked me if I feel God telling me anything. The answer a week ago was no. The answer today is sometimes I catch glimpses. My faith tells me to keep believing in God’s plan and His purposefulness. To keep moving towards that which I have been called to do.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart has the capacity to do this whole thing again. I’m not sure. I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. Thank goodness that’s all I’m asked to do anyway. Moment by moment. Step by step. Breath by breath.