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Thanks & I love you.

On the day I lost the baby I had 26 voice mail messages, about 100 text messages, and dozens of missed calls when I turned on my phone that night.  The next day, I got even more.

Even though I wasn’t in a place where I could take the calls, It made me feel really, really loved.

I’m slowly reaching the place where I can talk about stuff a little bit.  Read: I’m comfortable telling the occasional friend who doesn’t know, but asks about the adoption, “Yeah, it’s not going so well.  I lost the baby.”  It’s still really awkward.  I’m still really awkward.

I’m still working on getting comfortable when people in my inner circle ask me harder questions like, “So how are you REALLY doing?”  Most of the time, I just try to change the subject and talk about something funny.  It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, well actually it IS that I don’t want to talk about it.  But more so, it’s that I have a few people that I’m in deep enough relationships with at this time in my life,  that I can really open up to them and let my “uglies” hang out so to speak.  Don’t worry, you’re not missing much if you aren’t one of those people.  It’s not very pretty.  I’ve never been a pretty crier.

Most of the time though, I cry by myself.  It’s something I’ve discovered that I need to do as I’m walking through this process.  Kind of weird, but whatever, it’s where I’m at.

That said, I’m slowly but surely trying to reach out to all of you.  I want to tell you in person (or as in person as I can get), that YOU mean a lot to me.  I can’t promise that it will be soon, but I’ll do what I can.